


The Choiceless Hope in Grief

by the_weight_of_wings



Category: Girl Serpent Thorn - Melissa Bashardoust
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, F/M, Hopeful Ending, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29211891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_weight_of_wings/pseuds/the_weight_of_wings
Summary: Soraya can’t look at her hands anymore without seeing blood. Her brother’s blood, Laleh’s, her mother’s. She’d had to make a choice when she realized the pariks weren’t coming. Soraya had chosen her people over her family, and she would have to live with that choice for the rest of her life.--Or, what happens when things don't quite go to plan
Relationships: Soraya/Azad, Soraya/Parvaneh
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	The Choiceless Hope in Grief

**Author's Note:**

> I loved the ending of the book, but I wondered what would've happened if the parik and the simorgh didn't show up, and this is the result.

Soraya can’t look at her hands anymore without seeing blood. Her brother’s blood, Laleh’s, her mother’s. She’d had to make a choice when she realized the pariks weren’t coming. Soraya had chosen her people over her family, and she would have to live with that choice for the rest of her life.

Every time she closes her eyes, she watches the scene play out. The three figures kneeling before her on the white marble steps and the blade in her hand. How her brother refused to look at her, how Laleh’s tears stained the floor, and how her mother—the only one to look at her—mouthed _I’m sorry_ before the end. That, more than anything, is seared into her memories.

After she has removed her mother’s head from her body, Azad rushes to hold her. His arms are the only thing holding her up as she feels sharp pains over her body. “You did well,” he whispers in her ear. From the edge of her gaze, Soraya notices a moth floating down to the blood-covered ground. If a moth could ever look mournful, this one did. Soraya wants to shout at it. Ask why Parvaneh didn’t bring the support she promised. But she can’t let Azad see. _Go_ , she mouths at the moth. It pauses for a moment, but then seems to understand. There is nothing to be done now.

Azad kisses away the tears streaming down her face. The stabs of pain she feels dull away to a pressure under her skin before turning to a distant ache. She doesn’t know what to make of it and is too numb to guess. “Things will be easier now. I promise you that.” And for a time, they are. 

Soraya and Azad are married that day, standing where her family and Laleh had previously kneeled—their blood congealing on the white marble. Both a banquet and a coronation happen later. The humans in the crowd throw hateful looks at Soraya when they think she doesn’t see them. But Soraya notices. She hates herself for what she had to do. But she promises herself that their deaths will be avenged.

The divs have been paying particular attention to Soraya as well. She notices that they cheer more for her than her new husband although Azad is blind to it. His overconfidence will be to her benefit.

In the days and weeks that follow, Soraya finds a kind of peace in the numbness she feels. 

But of course, it doesn’t last.

Weeks later, Azad bursts into the court dragging something behind him. 

No. Some _one_. 

“Soraya, I have brought you a gift.” 

The triumphant look on his face is enough to make her panic. Soraya can’t help but flash back to the last gift Azad had given her. Azad pushes the person to the middle of the room and Soraya knows—it’s Parvaneh. 

Soraya shifts her face to a serene, unworried smile before anyone notices, acknowledging the gift and crossing the length of the court to greet her husband. She sneaks a glance at Parvaneh, and Parvaneh looks up to meet it. _I love you. I’m sorry_ , her eyes say. _I know. Me too_ , Parvaneh’s say in response. When Soraya makes it to Azad, he kisses her temple and says, “I will be taking her to her cell.” _Do not go looking for her_ is unspoken, but Soraya knows it nevertheless. 

After Parvaneh is dragged from the room, Soraya notices a hair left behind on the floor. She snatches it when no one is looking.

Later that night, Azad appears before her in his human form as he has every night since they returned to Golvahar. Azad has never let his human form appear before anyone else. Only her, and only when they are alone. “I love you,” he says, looking into her eyes. Soraya kisses him, so she doesn’t have to respond.

The other pariks are quickly imprisoned again. Part of Soraya feels sorry for it, but the smaller, angrier part of her finds it just for their refusal to help. (She tries to push that part of her away, but when she looks at her hands, she still sees the blood of that day, and she finds she cannot.) 

The first moment she has to herself, she visits Parvaneh in her dreams. They hold each other and grieve until they can no longer—their breaths and sobs the only things to be heard. Exhausted by grief, they start to nod off, but before Soraya returns, she hears Parvaneh whisper hoarsely, “The simorgh wasn’t there. Someone had moved her. I still tried to convince my sisters, but they—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Azad may sit at the throne and wear the crown, but it is Soraya who is the true ruler of Golvahar. For having spent most of her life secluded away from court, it turns out Soraya is a better ruler than she thought possible. It is she who meets with the nobles, listens to requests, fills out the necessary paperwork. All while Azad travels the kingdom, hunting for dissenters and reveling in the benefits of the crown. The days that Azad chooses to spend in court are highly produced. Everyone plays their part well, fearing the consequences if they don’t act accordingly. But when the Shahmar is out of sight, humans and divs alike turn to Soraya. 

Plenty of the nobles from her brother’s reign have remained in power—like her, they choose survival over sacrifice. Most of the divs travel with Azad or stay near Mount Arzur, but the ones that remain in Golvahar are loyal to her alone.

The humans never knew her in her seclusion, and so only know her as the princess that killed her family for the throne. But Soraya is good at her job, and trust builds over time. She lets them realize that she is the one truly ruling Golvahar and that she is not as loyal to the Shahmar as they once thought.

It is after a meeting with the nobles that she runs into Ramin for the first time since everything happened. One moment she is reviewing her notes from the meeting, and the next, she’s pushed up against the wall with a blade to her throat. Whatever truce Soraya and Ramin might have had was gone the moment Soraya killed Laleh. Soraya swallows nervously and tries to speak, but Ramin’s other hand quickly reaches up to cover her mouth.

“I should have killed you long ago. You were always a danger to Laleh, and now—” He pauses, a sob cutting off his words. “Now you have been the death of her as I always feared you would be.” 

Soraya winces as Ramin pushes the knife harder against her throat. Her heart beats erratically as blood trickles down her neck. The ache that she has been feeling these past weeks transforms into a searing pressure before turning into a roar. A cry is pulled from her throat as Soraya feels sharp pains all over her body. Ramin scrambles away from her, dropping the blade in his panic as he watches thorns emerge from her skin. 

_So this is what the poison in my skin was always meant to be_ , she thinks before Ramin regains hold of his blade.

“What’s happening?” Ramin asks angrily, attempting to mask his fear. But Soraya knows the truth behind his posturing.

“What is happening,” she says, marvelling at her skin, tentatively reaching out to touch the thorns, “is that I’m finally closer to getting my revenge.” She turns to Ramin with a hard gleam in her eyes. “I have the loyalty of my people, and now I have the means to free them from the Shahmar. I told you once that I was a prisoner myself although you did not want to believe me. We may never like each other, Ramin, but I believe our goals are aligned in this one way at least. So,” Soraya says while stepping closer to Ramin, taking the blade from his limp hand, “what do you say? Will you help me free our people?”

Ramin pauses, fingers ghosting over his side, recalling the wound he received from the Shahmar’s insurrection. He looks Soraya in her eyes and nods abruptly, reluctantly. “What do you need me to do?”

Soraya smiles. “I need you to free a div.”

Soraya spends all morning finding clothes to hide her new thorns and makeup to disguise her lack of sleep. She’ll have to be careful with how she dresses because the thorns are difficult to hide and will be obvious as soon as anyone gets too close to her. Soraya might have been able to feign illness to avoid sight for a few days, but Azad was coming back. No excuse would be able to save her from greeting him and the divs back to court. But Soraya didn’t want excuses.

Today, she will retake Golvahar.

Soraya has been waiting for this day for too long. Nothing will stop her from getting her revenge. 

All night, she had been searching for the simorgh with Parvaneh after Ramin had freed her. Now, Soraya studies the rose bushes under her window. _Something seems different about them_ , she thinks and then watches in bewilderment as they seem to follow her command. _Interesting. This could be useful._

“Are you ready?” 

Soraya shifts her eyes from the roses to Parvaneh, who has been lying on Soraya’s bed. Parvaneh moves to prop herself up on her elbows, twisting the simorgh’s feather between her fingers. 

“Yes,” Soraya says, “it’s finally time.” She moves from her spot at the window to sit next to Parvaneh on the bed.

Parvaneh studies Soraya carefully before nodding. Slowly, she stands up from the bed and leans into Soraya, careful not to touch any of her thorns. Her hair curtains around their faces, blocking out the rest of the room. Soraya closes the short distance between them to languidly press a kiss against Parvaneh’s lips. They curl into each other, trying to forget their troubles if only for a moment. 

Eventually, Parvaneh breaks the kiss. She steps back and tucks Soraya’s hair behind her ear. “I’ll be waiting for your signal,” Parvaneh reminds her and slips away from the room with a lingering glance.

At court, Soraya welcomes Azad and the divs with the typical ceremony. When Azad moves to the throne, she meets Parvaneh’s eyes in the crowd and nods imperceptibly. It is time. 

Soraya tries to conceal her excitement as she watches Parvaneh move closer to the dais. _I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do this sooner_ , she thinks to Sorush, Laleh, Tahmineh, and everyone else that’s been lost because of her failures. _I will finally be able to make up for it now._

Parvaneh stabs Azad with the feather as he’s in the middle of a speech. Before he can move, Soraya encompasses him in her thorns, finally revealing them to all the humans and divs present in the court. She savors the startled gasp that escapes from Azad’s throat. “Soraya, what—” he starts but is cut off with a choke as the thorns tighten around him. She watches as his body loses its monstrous form, transforming him into a human once more.

The court descends into chaos behind her, but Soraya pays it no mind. She strokes Azad’s curls, remembering how she used to love them. But that was before he betrayed her, before she lost her family and her freedom. Soraya yanks his hair so that Azad’s ear is next to her mouth. “I told you once,” she croons, “I can’t promise that I’ll be what you want me to be at the end of this.” 

Soraya leans back to look into Azad’s brown eyes. They widen and then go slack—his body twitching in the briar as the thorns break into his skin. Laughter bubbles from her chest, and Soraya thinks, _I’m free, I’m free, I’m free_ , in a mantra that doesn’t seem to end. 

When Soraya’s laughter gives way to vicious sobs, Parvaneh reaches for her hand. Soraya takes it and composes herself before turning to face the court.

Many of the divs are gone, driven away by the now-broken promises of the Shahmar and the ferocity of those loyal to her. The humans and divs remaining in the crowd kneel before her and cheer for her reign. She knows that she’ll have problems to deal with later, but for now, she revels in the moment.

Soraya brings Parvaneh’s hand up to her lips, placing a kiss where their fingers join together. She tastes the copper tang of blood at the edge of her lips. 

Once again, Soraya has hands stained with blood, but this time, she knows that when she washes her hands, she will finally be free.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! <3


End file.
